The following has apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA."We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, and delusional.
We hold this truth to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can
legally acquire them, but nobody is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone, not just
you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,
etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Is it the author's intent to imply that you have to be right to be offended?
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help
anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than
the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised
if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a
place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a
life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our sons risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to
fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy rearing the entire world
and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every
little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe this should go on to mention that the implied supremacy required to try policing the whole world makes you one of the aforementioned tyrants even without the uniform and hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want
all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we
expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is
a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the clause which we apply to publish
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time that common sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Some of the English was corrected in this copy. For example, the term 'Parenting' should never be used as it is a compromise erected to protect the ego of people who consider children their highest priority as long as somebody else does all the work. This was corrected to say 'rearing' which is the correct word for caring for children. 'Raising' forgets that children have intellect which must be nurtured and trained, thus it would be the wrong term.
These changes are my work alone and do not necessarily represent the view of Pariah Online Magazine.